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The idealist in me wants to see people embrace public transportation more. The cynic in me, however, looooves having the entire bus to himself.

Funny to think how the smallest part of the butt is the hole thing

*calmly explaining to the officer that I am not, in fact, resisting arrest but saving everyone some time since no jail can hold me*

Let he who has not peed their pants a little bit while fumbling though their keys looking for the right one to the apartment door cast the first stone

Sorry to say the dog show is on satellite delay and I have seen the end. The Canadian Poon Hound sweeps it.

Being an invisible trickster demon only distinguishable by a dotted outline and encouraging children to do crimes like Who Me in the Family Circus

How _dare_ you make me think and learn new things on this, the most lazy on Mondays, you foul RSpec thing.

Justin Bieber’s mustache makes him look like he wanted to get away from it all so he bought a nice secluded house way out in 1975.

Thanks for dunking me in boosts I drowned and now I’m dead which is exactly what I wanted

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One year ago I got in trouble for saying “eez nuts” over and over at dinner

You know you’re getting old when you eat two donuts instead of one and you’re laid out on the couch for the rest of the day

Getting excited about sandwiches and Beetlejuice tomorrow

this doesn’t even make sense 

When you sign up for MealPal and promise yourself you’ll eat healthy but go to McDonald’s 3 times a week😘👌

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Toot! A Jason Scheirer Instance

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