Show newer


My psychiatrist was a little unnerved that I was 1) prepared with notes 2) mentally running on all cylinders at 7:30 AM and I’m all 1) I am mentally ill 2) a dad

"Lol your anti-anti-vaxx positions are just ad hominem attacks"

Yeah I TRIED to reason with you but your BRAIN is ROTTEN with PERFORMATIVE CONSERVATISM and I have a BREAKING POINT for pretending to THINK YOU HAVE A DECENT POINT

It is my civic responsibility in a liberal democracy to fill these Old Navy jeans with large man ass

Show thread

Y’all motherfuckers gonna be sorry when Jesus gets back from Valhalla and makes you pay for all those stolen ketchup packets

Expired: Swearing
Tired: Swearing in Spanish
Wired: Swearing in Spanish, but changing the spelling and insisting it’s Portuguese

There are only two languages in the Star Wars universe: English and Italian. This is canon.

Good dream 

I met Danny Pudi and he gave me some crepes

There are two trucks inside of you. Which one wins? The one whose muscles, whose muscles, involuntarily flex.


Talking to a therapist to learn that nights aren’t supposed to be an unending series of nightmares punctuated with child and pet care resulting in dehydration (from the terror sweats) and exhaustion (because good sleep is a vanishingly precious commodity)

Also a lot of “well, that normal for me” followed by her horrified stare, that’s always a fun reaction

I will *squinting at notes* avoid horney online and *squinting again* not be angry

Music peaked with the song “Two Trucks” and if you disagree I’m sorry but I’m going to have to go along and respect that

crazy summer fever dream 

There was a rash of mass shootings throughout the world and it turns out all the guns were provided by America and then this mental illness took hold where people would give up and stop breathing and die so people figured out how to make improvised respirators with spare electronics to force each other to keep breathing

My number one tip to convince ladies to do sex on you is to drive a nice car

Show older
Toot! A Jason Scheirer Instance

The social network of the future: No ads, no corporate surveillance, ethical design, and decentralization! Own your data with Mastodon!