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CW Food 

The crab-o-hydrant, an efficient new way to force feed people seafood

The US Park Service is selling naming rights to make up for Covid-related revenue slump and from now on Old Faithful will now be known as Doritos Bold Flavorful

I’m sorry for talking about Linux 

It only took three tries and about 6 months but I finally feel comfortable using sway (i3wm).

In retrospect this was not a skill worth wasting my time on.

Anyone else remember the one hit wonder artist Pico-Pico Lemonade with their single “¡Tengo Piss!”?

The King of Town in the streets, Senor Cardgage in the sheets

I’m the Costco hot dog of my group of friends.

I will not be taking questions at this time.

Every once in a while there's a piece of technology so obnoxious that I involuntarily mutter "fuck you" the first time I see it. Examples: selfie sticks, airpods.

The Rashomon Effect is a phenomenon in which all the participants and observers of an event are actually in a boring old Japanese movie

*coming to a screeching stop in front of your house in a Civic Del Sol, Britney Spears blasting on the radio*

Hey any of you guys wanna watch me speedrun Ducktales on the NES?

One of the better video game ideas I've had in a while 

FTL meets Stargate.

Assemble away teams, send via gate to new planets, assuage locals and destroy enemy aliens, find new systems to jump to.

This is a bad pun I thought up in the shower this morning. I would punch me in the face if I said it to myself out loud. 

Till.I.Am this soil and using Fergielizer to grow a crop of Black Eyed Peas

Puns I thought of at the zoo 

Rough Giraffe
My only Egret
Kudus to You

My name is Gordon K. Shump and what you’re looking at is the newly renovated, fully accessible entrance to my Fuck Zoo


Got involved in a domestic dispute shooting today on accident and I was more mad than anything but I checked out of work just in case of PTSD and took a bus ride across town and when I turned the phone back on had a pile of texts from dad and mom like “this is why you’re bad, this is why your family is abandoning you” and that helped me immeasurably

M:tG shitposting 

Hell yes I play Magic. I’ve got cards banned from tournament play. I’ve got cards that were never allowed for tournament play. I’ve got cards that are considered forbidden knowledge and banned from our very plane of existence.

I’m going to play a 4 card infinite life loop and bump you up to 8000000 life. You’re gonna watch me do each step to creep it up one by one. Then I’m gonna hit you with an infinite damage loop for 8000021 damage.

You will see the mouth of madness.

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Toot! A Jason Scheirer Instance

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