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I love my three children: Joshothy, McFlurry and The Destroying Angel

How did I get my job writing for SNL? Well, an awesome portfolio of written material. (Holds up folder, opens to reveal it has a single piece of paper with the phrase “Döner Kebab” crossed out and the phrase “Böner Kebab” highlighted and underlined*

A very serious message from a Millennial to Gen Z 

Hey guys, how’s it going? Wanna go down to the 7/11 and smash glass behind the dumpster?

One time I was at a job interview I wasn’t taking particularly seriously and the interviewer asked me what my greatest weakness was. I said “knife wounds” and sat in silence for 30 seconds.

Just because you’re a cool badass doesn’t make you cool, or a badass, so step off my dick

Bodily fluids 

My left butt cheek is covered in toilet paper.

The toilet paper is to pick up blood.

The blood is from shaving nicks.

The shaving was an attempt to shape a Ronald McDonald face on my butt in hair.

Normally I’m not a big Taylor Swift fan but in her latest album when she sings “Amber is the color of your energy/Whoa-oa” I really *felt* it.

Considering buying one of those “on the air” signs you see in radio stations and putting it outside my bathroom to indicate it’s occupied

Poop, social networking 

I reinstalled the Reddit app on my phone just so I could finally watch the Blippi Harlem Shake video where he shits on another dude and holy hell, Blippi is once again in my good graces

I can’t wear my pants low because the elastic on my underwear has given out and I don’t want people seeing my butt and calling me whitey pimple butt man

Every once in a while I want to go back in time and tell middle school me to stop being paralyzed by perfectionism and just swing at the ball, little league is all about fun, but then I remember my reasoning of “if I do a shitty job at sports long enough, my parents will stop making me do sports and I can stay inside and play Quake all day on Saturdays” and I’m humbled by how little I have changed as an individual

Oh neat, “mayonnaise is as spicy as I’ll go” really *is* a core part of white culture:

Every once in a while I think back to that apartment I lived in with the guys who would hotbox in the parking lot but go out of their way to roll down the window and call me Peter Griffin when I walked by

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Toot! A Jason Scheirer Instance

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