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The best thing about working for idiotic startups with no future is the socks

Saying ‘Bazinga’ is a slur if you’re not a Redditor. It’s our word.

Opening a dark portal to the demon world to ask if anyone needs me to get anything at the grocery store later

food shitposting 

Challahnization is nature’s tendency to try to evolve every food into a carb

What percentage of Pokémon types would fit in a large jar? 20%?

When is Mastodon getting a functional carp button

The four food groups are:

Carbohydrates
Proteins
Fats/Oils
Ligmas

I would never escape my life of unemployment by making this jury trial take longer than necessary

Look I’m just pretending to be this farmer’s daughter’s boyfriend but what if we actually...fell in love?

Not a popular thing but I’m In The Army Now because they never go to war and I’m a water boy

Stop eating what you're eating and throw it out the window right now! It'll be fun!

:sponsored: Sponsored by raccoons

Time to lock myself in the basement for a nice little hyperventilation session

“Happy birthday?” Noooo
“It’s your day!” That’s shit
“Congratulations!” Pandering

Genius brain:

Shout out to the construction crew next door for swearing loudly in French and trolling my dog because she's being an asshole. You've really made up for the last 3 days of power tool noises.

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Toot! A Jason Scheirer Instance

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