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I've begun to call my smartphone my haunted glass gem and it's helping

Everyone loves Cheesecake Tiger, the tiger that only eats cheesecake!

*5 minutes later* We regret to inform you that Cheesecake Tiger has died of feline scurvy

Basted myself in an egg wash and now rolling in bread crumbs

Butts?

Gonna move back to the Inland Empire for a month to be a person living in a shitty backwater metro for a while, does anyone need me to do anything smugly Bay Area in the next week before I go? Liberalize a baby? Give CBD to a dog? Take a selfie where half the frame is just the Golden Gate Bridge?

Yes, I'm Spanish

Snarfing
Paella
All
Night
In
Spain,
Hello!

I didn't plan any of this. I'm going to eat fried chicken.

Day two of mood stabilizers: my wife accuses me of being drunk and mentally ill.

Turns out the real friends weren’t the people I thought were friends because I thought they were cool but the people who genuinely enjoyed my bullshit along the way

dream journal 

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dream journal 

Here is a crime I would not commit: stealing six (6) jet skis, tying them together like draft horses, and having them drag me on a small barge around a lake like I am some sort of water charioteer

I’m awake at 4:00 AM for the same reason as everyone else: to make sure the backyard is devoid of cats, possums, skunks, and raccoons before I let my horrible chihuahua/spaniel/poodle mix out to take a pre-breakfast shit

A reminder that the Temecularantula, a cryptid I made up, not only exists but terrorizes the vineyards of Temecula, California, on a nightly basis

A fried chicken fast food place is opening 2 doors down from my apartment complex so I'm probably going to die this year

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Toot! A Jason Scheirer Instance

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