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Sorry to say the dog show is on satellite delay and I have seen the end. The Canadian Poon Hound sweeps it.

Being an invisible trickster demon only distinguishable by a dotted outline and encouraging children to do crimes like Who Me in the Family Circus

How _dare_ you make me think and learn new things on this, the most lazy on Mondays, you foul RSpec thing.

Justin Bieber’s mustache makes him look like he wanted to get away from it all so he bought a nice secluded house way out in 1975.

Thanks for dunking me in boosts I drowned and now I’m dead which is exactly what I wanted

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One year ago I got in trouble for saying “eez nuts” over and over at dinner

You know you’re getting old when you eat two donuts instead of one and you’re laid out on the couch for the rest of the day

Getting excited about sandwiches and Beetlejuice tomorrow

this doesn’t even make sense 

When you sign up for MealPal and promise yourself you’ll eat healthy but go to McDonald’s 3 times a week😘👌

For my 37th birthday my wife is inviting all her friends over and we’re gonna watch Beetlejuice and get large sandwiches from Darby Dan’s

3 dogs sharing one neck because yes, this is how you assemble an effective guardian of the underworld

I’m sorry for being so awful. Not sorry enough to put any effort into meaningful change, mind you. But I know I’m bad and I feel bad. Just not bad enough to stop being bad.

*looking at guy winning at blackjack in a casino* this guy lucks

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Toot! A Jason Scheirer Instance

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