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When is the asshole admin of my instance gonna upgrade the Masto version

*looking at domain name and realizing what a terrible thing I have done*

Oh goddammit.

*extremely partially autotune voice* California...no sign of party

my goy nephew accidentally wrote The King Of Carrot Flowers, Parts 2 and 3

feminine boys with wide hips, boost if you agree

lewd, bad, you asked for it Show more

There's nothing worse than being in the middle of peeing in a cup at the doctor's office and suddenly realizing that this isn't a doctor's office at all and you're never going to be allowed to eat at this Burger King ever again

*scrolling through timeline*
What did you weirdos do to Mastodon while I was at work? Why is the FBI here?

always ready to start a fight about the plural of index

TONIGHT, LADS, LASSES, AND NB PALS? TONIGHT WE DINE ON LANDLORD! TONIGHT WE DINE ON MANAGEMENT! TONIGHT WE RIP OUR BOSSES OPEN AND EAT THEIR FUCKING INNARDS.

Tried to take a cute video of Lily at the park and THIS is what she did :blobrollingeyes:
(feat. my voice, hiccups)

This week my kid really *internalized* that there are different kinds of cheese and he’s one of those polar “mildest mozzarella or the funkiest ass goat shit and NOTHING IN BETWEEN” preferring people so I guess that’s cool.

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Toot! A Jason Scheirer Instance

This is my instance.