We’re going to carpet nuke an arrangement of craters shaped like a dick on Venus and petition the UN to mandate its new name as Penus

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We’re going to send a satellite to the glowing aliens at the center of the galaxy who grant wishes to ask on behalf of humanity for just five goddamn more minutes of sleep a day

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Now that we’ve poked an asteroid with a rocket, we are going to send one to pull God’s pants down

It’s apple picking season so I’m asking you to check out Uncle Jason’s No-Nonsense Apple Picking Experience!

1. There is a table with two apples
2. You choose between the two
3. You go home

For all you jokers out there: no, picking an apple is not the same as taking an apple home. You don’t get to take any apples home. We need them for the next group.

Just had to block/delete a commenter on itch.io who, according to their comment history, is addicted to idle clickers and can’t say anything nice about any of them.

Sure, annoying person, but empathy leads me to imagine what a sad, empty life they’re living. Chasing that idle clicker high, never as good as the first one years ago. Their rosebud.

CW: Food. Not even food, like garbage. CW: Garbage. 

Oh my god I'm gross.

Writing an idle clicker game because I am a horrible person and have transported myself back to 2016

Don’t mind me, just remixing freely available emoji artwork to make increasingly bad one-off emoji on the work slack

This past week, that great big Street Fighter II: The New Challengers machine had two new quarters slapped down. They’re playing a Zangief v. Cammy match right now.

@dankwraith Now THIS is getting posted to /r/funny!!!! So random!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey kid! Did you stop all the downloading? Did you help computer?

Wired: Birds wearing little hats, issuing each other human world work visas, stealing most white collar jobs by undercutting wages

Tired: Birds Aren’t Real

Expired: Alfred Hitchcock’s film The Birds

To quote Santana feat. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty, “it’s a hot one” today

adult game idea 

@ben Spending 3 hours in lingerie on hold on the phone trying to figure out why you’re still getting sent printed statements when you *distinctly remember* switching to online-only billing

35 years ago I was new to New York City: young, poor, hungry, ready to make my mark.

My first night there I was sleeping in my car on Brother Island when I heard a knock on my window.

In the pouring rain, a man handed me a sandwich in silence, tipped his hat, and walked away. It was the best and only meal I had eaten in weeks.

That man? Mikhail Gorbachev.

I'll never forget his kindness.

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Toot! A Jason Scheirer Instance

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