Pinned toot

After Ratatouille was released in theaters, it became law in 38 states that all traps must have tiny propane grills and spice racks placed next to them so as to distract/spare any rats with any cooking aptitude. It’s referred to as “Remy’s Law” in most places and was the direct outcome of an organized, nationwide letter writing campaign.

Pinned toot

Stop eating what you're eating and throw it out the window right now! It'll be fun!

:sponsored: Sponsored by raccoons

Sent a link to Two Trucks on the work Slack before noon, guess I'm already done for the day

Thinking back to my trip to Korea a few years ago and remembering my favorite person was this guy that stopped me on the street and with all of his 20-years-ago-high-school-English mustered the sentence "you...are...very...fat!" and I grabbed my stomach and laughed and he laughed and then we went our separate ways.

Ginger Ale 

A ginger ale sounds good right now

Making my fortune with the 66% keyboard, a 65% keyboard with separate escape/~ keys

Getting old is neat in that staying out at the neighbor's house until 11:00 and splitting a bottle of wine results in spectacular tummy troubles and exhaustion the next day

Awake at 2:45 AM AMA but be aware I will probably be asleep in 5 minutes

I’m sorry, you’re talking to someone who beat the Kim Kardashian: Hollywood app *twice* out of spite. I’m too fabulous for this shit.

My new hit single “Knee Deep in your Eyes, Elbow Deep in your Heart”

1 mile of walking = 10 minutes of uncontrolled diarrhea when you get home

MH 

My psychiatrist was a little unnerved that I was 1) prepared with notes 2) mentally running on all cylinders at 7:30 AM and I’m all 1) I am mentally ill 2) a dad

"Lol your anti-anti-vaxx positions are just ad hominem attacks"

Yeah I TRIED to reason with you but your BRAIN is ROTTEN with PERFORMATIVE CONSERVATISM and I have a BREAKING POINT for pretending to THINK YOU HAVE A DECENT POINT

It is my civic responsibility in a liberal democracy to fill these Old Navy jeans with large man ass

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Y’all motherfuckers gonna be sorry when Jesus gets back from Valhalla and makes you pay for all those stolen ketchup packets

Expired: Swearing
Tired: Swearing in Spanish
Wired: Swearing in Spanish, but changing the spelling and insisting it’s Portuguese

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Toot! A Jason Scheirer Instance

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